I realize today the problem with me is me, I realize today that I should harness the power within to mend, repair, heal & love myself. “Hurt People – Hurt People” that is to say that myself knowing I am damaged, I’m hurting others. I hate my addictions. The brutal honesty coming from me today is focused on relationships, addictions. I’m hopeful that by the end of this post I’ll have some reprieve from the anguish, maybe; maybe not.
“If you are like us you know that ‘one is too many and a thousand is never enough’” Drilled that into my brain starting at 16 years old. I’ve gone through hell and back repeatedly only to now find myself alone, fearful and slightly worried. Yesterday gambling and rejection were the big problem. I try to cease, I try to regain my confidence – but continually shattered no matter what the addiction is. I feel like there is no hope for me.
So if hurt people, hurt other people what am I to do to stop hurting and be healthy? I don’t necessarily think eating proper and a full gym routine is going to fix it anymore. But I’ve got this blog, my little crevice of the internet to keep me happy. I guess the cry I just had alone listening to some music might’ve helped, maybe; maybe not. I’m pretty powerless, actually I’m so fucking powerless that I can’t stand myself. Today is just one of those days where at the end of every page “I wonder.”
What is it within myself that I can’t stop hurting these people, what is it? Why was I put here to ruin everybody’s day. I try to be happy, and I try to navigate as best as I can. Still overwhelming sadness erupted. Actually the strange part is that yesterday was totally good, then the solitude I get just boils over into anger, fear, remorse. I hate those things.
Well this is more of my life on life’s terms introduction. Maybe this post wasn’t for the faint at heart, but it’s going to get better from here.
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