Maybe I’ve been absent for a month cycling through the same old rig-a-ma-role but some things improved. Sobriety is still an ambition. I’ve honestly felt missed by no one and I’m trying to cope and grasp the solitary life – of life on life’s terms. Sobriety from what is the thing I cannot decide on, I have poly-substance abuse problems. I think in an earlier post I had written I’m addicted to a woman in hindsight that’s a huge falsity.
I like to try and say that I practice moderation, but eventually I always surpass my limit. Whether it be marijuana, alcohol or gambling. A part of me uses these 3 addictions to avoid a costly relapse into the cocaine industry. “That might kill me I tell myself.” But these “soft drugs” they won’t. I’m trying to navigate my sobriety alone because I think I just don’t fit in at any types of meetings. It’s tough, depression is weighing on me, isolation even when not incarcerated, is highly problematic.
I suppose my real re-birth is knowing I have the tools, knowing that…. I need to believe in something stronger than myself. I must say I honestly have not much stronger than myself this present day. There is a possibility that this blog is stronger than me, it could possibly remain after I am gone.
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